Memoirs of Machete Paolo Part Four


I was watching the news while I waited for The Slut to arrive. She was out in Chelsea, spreading her vile affliction.

“Roehampton has been hit by a plague of violent death. All over the estate people are being slaughtered by an invisible force. Police say the wounds on the few body parts they have found, indicate the use of a machete. One survivor told us how she saw a man enter a bush and come out with a long black coat and a hat. When he put them on he suddenly vanished. She then felt a hand groping her breasts and swung wildly, knocking a hat out of the air and revealing the strange man’s ginger head. This bizarre report has been corroborated by two policemen who arrested her for prostitution. They told us they shot at the head as it floated off. The Mayor of Roehampton and former Tramp King; Mr. Special Brew has advised people to raid the liquor stores and flee Roehampton. We will keep you updated on these strange events.”

This shit has got to stop! No-one fears me any more. Since my machete was stolen I am no longer Machete Paolo, the Scourge of Nightmares. I must have vengeance. My power will return, and anyone who stands between me and my bright blade will be sent screaming to Hades.

The three of us, Mad Josh, the Slut and I, walked down Roehampton Lane. I carried my cleaver and I chopped anything that moved into tiny pieces. I was raging.

We headed towards Roehampton Youth Club behind the Co-op for what I knew would be the final battle. We stopped in the Premier and killed everyone there. I.D. me for alcohol now mother fuckers.

We also stopped off at the police station…

Our clothes were drenched in blood and our shoes were sticky. I could hear music coming from the Youth Club. Something horrible from the 90’s. The bodies of petrified humans littered the streets, soulless victims of Crazy Photo Guy.

I ordered the Slut to target all the bushes with her herpes virus. If he was hiding there, Invisible Oscar would not contract it, after all he had the protection of my machete, but the sting of her power would make him to scream and give himself away. The bushes were empty.

We were a terrifying sight. Mad Josh had swollen to over twice his normal size and the Slut had begun to drip.

To Be Concluded. Final Explosive Part Coming Soon!!!


his name rhymes with ‘mince’. He’s rarely without a notebook and can usually be found next to the closest bottle of red wine. Previously a writer for The Roehampton Lane Journal.

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