The Memoirs of Machete Paolo PART TWO


‘My Lord Machete, Ropey Steve has finally spoken. His mind swam up from the depths of his insanity to tell me that he would speak only to you. He will not believe your promises unless they come directly from your mouth.’
‘Very well, I shall speak to him.’
I made my way down to the basement of the Picasso building. Mad Josh followed, his insanity leaving a warning trail behind him. Ropey Steve was a short white man with eyes that looked left and right simultaneously, like a snake. Josh had chained his hands to the ceiling and tied his dreadlocks to the concrete floor to prevent him from moving his head. He wore no shirt as his revoltingly protruded belly did not allow him this luxury. Saliva ran down his chin as he stared hungrily at the girls.

“Bring me my cleaver.” I said, turning to Mad Josh. A twisted smile grew on his lips and sparks of madness flew from his eyes. I would not be able to control his psychosis much longer. He too goes when my machete returns.

He handed me the butcher’s knife. Lucky I wasn’t on mushrooms. I walked up to Ropey Steve and held the cleaver in front of his eyes, turning it this way and that so that it caught the glint from the single light bulb above us. This seemed to get his attention and he stopped foaming at the mouth and looked at me. I watched the change in his face as he recognised me. The colour drained out of his face.

‘If you tell me where your master, Invisible Oscar is. I will set you free and you may keep these women.’
‘Do you promise?’ he hissed. His speech was slurred and he heavily drew out his s’s. ‘Do you promisssssse Machete?’
‘Yes, you have my word. No harm will come to you if you tell me where Oscar is.’
‘I need thirty of those girls.’
‘Very well.’
‘Per day.’
‘You shall have them. Now tell me where he is.’
‘My master is hiding out in Roehampton Youth Club. He has Crazy Photo Guy with him.’
I cursed inwardly. This would be more difficult than I imagined.

‘Does he have my machete?’

‘Yes, he uses it daily. But he, he, he cannot control it.’

I smiled. I knew she would not have betrayed me.
‘You have done well Steve.’
‘So release me!’ he cried and started jerking his chains violently. I raised the cleaver over my head.

‘You humans make me sick. Nothing but lust, violence and betrayal. Ropey Steve, you will rape no longer!’ I shouted and brought the cleaver down in a great arc that split his face from his left eye to his chin. Blood and brains sprayed over me and his body gave way to spasms and then hung limply on the chains. That was nowhere near as satisfying as I imagined it. I grow weaker every second I am not holding my machete.

The girls cheered as they realised they had escaped their grim fate. I unchained them and set them free. I could always find them later.

‘Master, you gave him your word. But you killed him.’ I turned to see Josh in the grip of his madness. His head was expanding rapidly. The fury was engulfing him. He was losing control.

‘Would you do the same to me?’ he asked in a timid voice that was quite at odds with the monstrous demon he had become.

‘NO! Of course not!’ I shouted in reply. ‘He would have betrayed us. Killed us. He would have done fucked up things to us! Did you hear about what he did to the Rugby Boys? Well that was true. I saw it with my own eyes!’ My voice was commanding and convincing. ‘I would never betray you, Josh.’ I lied. ‘You are my most trusted associate. Now clean this shit up!’ I knew he believed me because his head began to shrink and he slowly gained control of his deranged mind. His madness was becoming too much for me to control. He would have to go soon. I left him mopping the floor and went outside for a breath of fresh air. A crow gave me a funny look, so I took out my crossbow and put a bolt straight through its eye.

I hate birds.



his name rhymes with ‘mince’. He’s rarely without a notebook and can usually be found next to the closest bottle of red wine. Previously a writer for The Roehampton Lane Journal.

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