The Terrifying Conclusion to ‘The Memoirs of Machete Paulo’ – Anonymous

“Oh shit, Machete Paulo is here. I’ll get a picture of him!” shouted Crazy Photo Guy from the top window of the Youth Club. “Shit! I missed.” I had ducked into the porch just before the flash went off. The Slut went through the door first, and Mad Josh tried to follow her but the madness swelling his head stopped him from fitting through. I ran and tackled him just as C.P.G took another photo from the top of the stairs and we tumbled through the door with our souls intact.

Laughing manically, C.P.G raised his camera and took another shot. The Slut jumped in front of me and Josh and her body absorbed the entire flash. As she slumped to the ground I screamed with rage and flung my cleaver. It whirled through the air towards C.P.G as he preparing to press the shutter release and capture another of our souls. The cleaver hit him before he had a chance, splitting his head in two.

Mad Josh howled and began to run up the stairs. Suddenly Skag Thrower appeared at the top. His hands were a blur as he flung five syringes of lethal black tar heroin into Josh’s chest. 

It just made him madder, bigger and angrier.

The heroin gave him a boost of energy and he leapt up the last six steps to grab Skag Thrower in a powerful bear hug. He gave him two pecks on the cheek then a full on smooch on the mouth; His lethal move. A fraction of his madness was transferred to Skag Thrower and Josh’s head shrank slightly. Skag Thrower’s head exploded, showering us both with blood, brain and shards of skull.

His Imperial Majesty of Madness laughed like a lunatic and passed out on the floor. He was out of the game, for now.

I cautiously climbed the rest of the stairs. At the landing I wrenched my cleaver out of the remains of Crazy Photo Guy’s head and took his camera and five of the lethal skag needles from Skag Thrower’s pocket. I looked at the petrified body of the Slut and blew her a kiss. I would never actually kiss her, or touch her for that matter.

Invisible Oscar was watching the news when I found him. He obviously assumed his boys had taken care of me.

“…Everyone in Roehampton is either dead or evacuated. There rumours that a keg of whiskey exploded outside No.7 Kingsclere Close and all it’s inhabitants came back to life, went to the university bar and locked themselves in. We cannot confirm or deny any of these rumours…”

“Oscar!” I shouted. He jumped up and I saw he was holding my machete. He began to reach for his black coat and hat.
“I am Paulo.” I said as I threw the needles at him. “And you are holding my machete!”

He moved surprisingly fast, dropping his coat and hat to deflecting the syringes. I threw the cleaver next and he batted it away with my machete. I set the camera to a two second delay, pressed the button and threw it at him. I flung myself after it. He used my machete to block the flash but didn’t see me behind it. I tackled him to the floor knocking my machete out of his hand. I grabbed it and sprang to my feet. A rush of power ran through my veins. I turned back to Oscar but he had disappeared. Using my machete, I sliced my right eyeball and juice squirted from it, spraying Oscar and making him partially visible. This was a trick I had learned during the war against The Invisibles. He tried to jump back but he was far too slow. I swung my machete and cut his head clean off.

Josh was concious again, growing larger and out of control with madness.
“Everyone is dead?” he growled.
“You are the only one left.” I replied.

“Surely you mean we are the only ones left?” he said, realising too late what I was planning.

“No, it was always going to end this way, Josh.”
His madness was no match for me and my machete.
I cut him to pieces and went to bed.



his name rhymes with ‘mince’. He’s rarely without a notebook and can usually be found next to the closest bottle of red wine. Previously a writer for The Roehampton Lane Journal.

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